Big Phat Sigh Explained

I need an outlet.  I need something that says "Lavinia!" 

That's what I've been saying for months, or maybe the last couple of years.  I don't know exactly when this feeling of being suppressed started, but I have a good idea.  I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for about 3 years.  Wow, has it really been that long?  I must have idled through the place of "this is who I am for right now" and then crossed well over into the place of  "that's who you used to be" before I stopped and asked myself, "now what was I supposed to be doing?"

I seem to have misplaced my Lavinia-ness!  

Have you ever come to that conclusion?  The conclusion that you've somehow surrendered that it-thing that makes you sparkle?  Then traded all that in for a watered down wishy-washy version of yourself.  I'm bored!  I'm bored with myself!  I bore myself! 

Big Phat Sigh

I noticed that I do that a lot.  Just as I read back the last passage that I wrote, I did it.  Let out this big phat sigh.  It's my long drawn out period that I place at the end of some thought I haven't outwardly expressed.  It can be any kind of thought really.  But the last sigh was one of reflection.  "I bore myself"  period = (*big phat sigh)= now that's a crying shame, pull it together.

In another instance, I thought about the "date" my husband plans to take me on this weekend (*bigphatsigh*)  That sigh was a brief daydream.  "Jay's got something nice planned just for the two of us" (*bigphatsigh*)= it's gonna be so nice to be alone just the two of us for a couple of hours and.....

Then there is my beloved "good grief" sigh.  This one usually comes after the following thoughts

* If these kids don't stop arguing...

* I gotta do the laundry/dishes/housework period...

* I went down stairs 3 times and still forgot to get...

* Bills...

You get where I'm going with it.

My favorite sighs are the relax-relate-release sighs.  They are the ones that escape me when I watch my kids laugh (*bigphatsigh*) = I love my babies. When I get to curl up with my husband on the couch in the evening (*bigphatsigh*) = this feels so nice.  When I finally finish a project (*bigphatsigh*) = finally!  When I first step into a warm shower (*bigphatsigh*) = perfect temperature and I'm never leaving.  When I bite into my favorite shortbread cookie with the chocolate frosting on top after literally tasting it in my imagination all week (*bigphatsigh*) = if I could chew this bite forever I would.

My New Conclusion

Earlier I said that sighs are my periods at the end of a thought.  But that's not really true.  My big phat sighs continue on to say a lot. So, I guess you could say they're my semi-colons.  And I hope you're next expecting a straight-forward and accurate definition of a semicolon from me (*bigphatsigh*) ; You don't know? You better ask somebody...else.